Vulgar Watches: The Great British Bake Off, Chocolate Week
That’s right—it’s Bake Off season. It’s week five, and you know what that means: It’s chocolate week, bitches.
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It’s time to watch the biggest bunch of sweetie pies in the United Kingdom face off on the fiercest competition since the Battle of Towton.
Their mission: bake their asses off through a series of absurd challenges each week for 10 weeks to stay in the running to take the honor of Britain’s top baker.
Their weapons: ganache, yeast, marzipan, chocolate, and more flavors than you ever thought could be combined and taste remotely OK.
Their prize: a cake stand, some flowers, and the admiration of bakers everywhere.
That’s right—it’s Bake Off season. It’s week five, and you know what that means: It’s chocolate week, bitches.
It’s chocolate week, so that means it’s as hot as the 7th circle of hell in the tent … or not? This seems to be the first year in Bake Off history that chocolate week doesn’t coincide with an unforgiving heat wave.
The Signature
For the signature challenge, bakers must make cups made out of tempered chocolate filled with mousse and a baked element. Sweet Ukrainian Princess Nataliia smiles and
Leslie attempts to make a Tiramisu mousse up on steroids, with six separate elements, setting herself up to either shine bright like a diamond or implode under the pressure of time constraints + ambition. Classic mistake.
Both Aaron and Tom are making Tiramisu mousse in chocolate cups shaped like itty-bitty to-go coffee cups. STAHP ITS SO CUTE. Aaron has been riding the middle of the pack pretty hard, and is positively chomping at the bit to become a front runner. We want it for him, too.
In Bake Off fashion, chaos ensues at the final hour. Leslie’s ganache splits, one of Lydia’s white chocolate cups cracks, Iain uses his hands to scoop onto his mousse as if it’s more effective than a spoon, Toby’s chocolate oranges are not holding together.
It’s time for judging, and Prue and Paul make their rounds, sticking their paws right into the mousse cups and slurping their fingers clean. Everyone does pretty well except Nadia, even Toby, who is shocked as fuck that his shitty, cracked orange cups don’t bum the judges out as much as he thinks, but as we see time and time again, excellent flavor can make up for a shoddy presentation.
The light fades from Nadia’s eyes as the judges criticize her flavor, texture, and presentation. She then enters a fugue state for the rest of the episode.
Aaron’s coffee cups are stunning, but Tom’s cups are annoyingly neat and executed with just a tad more finesse. Tom gets another goddamn handshake, his second this season. The editors are doing the most to make an Aaron vs Tom rivalry happen, strategically cutting to Aaron’s RBF when Tom gets praise.
The Technical
The technical challenge is like we have not seen it before. Bakers must produce a white chocolate tart in a shortcrust pastry topped with … whatever the fuck they want.
The Bakers pick ingredients from a mass of ingredients under a huge gingham blanket. Any ingredients they select must be used. They have no recipe. It’s as if they’ve taken the hellfire that is the technical and poured gasoline on it. Shit is about to get real.
Both Iain and Nadia make fatal errors—Nadia’s pastry crust is far too thick, so she decides to bake a backup. We projectile vomit with anxiety when she pulls her second crust out of the oven, and it begins to split. As Iain moves his finished tart to the cake stand, one of its sides crumbles, our hearts break for the Tiny Irish Prince, and we start breathing deeply into a paper bag.
It’s time for Prue and Paul to judge the technicals. They stand in front of eight neatly lined up white chocolate tarts topped with various toppings: basil leaves, berries, passion fruit gel, and more. Paul and Prue take a fistful of each bake, rub it on their bodies and confer among themselves before ranking the bakes as follows:
8th-Nadia
7th-Iain
6th-Nataliia
5th-Toby
4th-Tom
3rd-Aaron
2nd-Jasmine
1st-Leslie!
Leslie wins her first technical and looks happy for the first time this season. Nadia’s fugue state deepens.
Show Stopper: Fondue Display
For the final challenge and showstopper, bakers must create an edible fondue display with a dipping pot holding chocolate sauce with two treats (at least) to dip into it.
Toby is attempting to make graham crackers from scratch, which he has never made before. “YOU FOOL, YOU GODDAMN FOOL!” We scream at our television.
The amount of chocolate smeared on everyone’s hands is a disturbing visual. Leslie lives dangerously and decides to make a mousetrap-esque fondue display that involves chocolate flowing in a tier of bowls.
Nataliia is recreating a painting depicting Pompeii after Mt. Vesuvius blows. We support anyone whose display bake involves natural elements that actually look better when they are done imperfectly.
Aaron is making a piano; Tom is making a lighthouse thingy; Toby is making a camping kitchen set up, Iain and Jasmine are making trees; and Nadia is making a pair of chocolate high heels perched on tiramisu.
As time runs out, we are treated to an edit of the Bakers spraying, demoulding, sprinkling, pouring, painting, and we take two baby aspirin to stop us from having a full-blown sympathy heart attack.
It’s time for the judges to do their thang. The Bakers are called one by one to bring their bakes to Paul and Prue at the front of the tent. They both gently press their faces into the bakes, emerging covered in chocolate fondue and various cakes. They pick various elements off their faces and give each a thoughtful nibble.
Nataliia’s chocolate lava looks like a well-executed science fair project.
No offense to Tom, but we love to see an anal king not achieve perfection. His madeleines do not have a perfect hump and the filling overwhelms the fondue.
Leslie’s mousetrap doesn’t totally work.
Aaron’s piano is fucking stunning. He wants a handshake so damn badly, and we want it for him.
Iain’s looks like it belongs on the set of Fraggle Rock, and so does he.
Jasmine’s autumnal-themed tree fondue thing gets her a handshake!
Nadia’s display has fallen apart, but her flavors are good.
Toby’s feedback from Paul is, “I’m disappointed.”
The Final Results
Noel announces the star baker and it’s… Aaron! Aaron’s RBF is broken by a huge smile, and he does the cutest ever gay-gasp-and-clutch-my-chest.
Allison delivers the news that the baker going home is … Nadia! Toby unclenches his asshole cause he is THIS close, and Nadia emerges from her fugue state for a moment to nod in acceptance.
We are reminded that Bake Off is the only reality show where it never feels good to watch someone go home. In an ideal world, Bake Off contestants would live together in the tent happily ever after while we watch them navigate a gauntlet of bakes every day until the end of time.
We will be back next week, considerably earlier, with our take on Pastry Week.