Vulgar Watches: Fear and Loathing at The Valley Reunion, Part 01
This season was a feast of drama, a heaping pile of exquisite trash, if you will. And we can't wait to watch everyone rehash it.
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Praise be! It's The Valley Reunion Day.
Yesterday, we finally saw the elder millennials of the San Fernando Valley reunite to strangle the loose ends of Season Two.
Criminally, Season One did not receive the Bravo Reunion treatment. But that's the past, and we live in the present.
For the uninitiated, see the cast list below:
Kristen: Reality TV show legend, star of Vanderpump Rules and self-proclaimed empath. The Valley owes what it is today to Kristen for being balls-to-the-wall unhinged in Season One. This woman is a professional shit stirrer and we will watch any show she is on.
Luke: Kristen's lover and baby daddy. From Colorado. Doesn't do much except support his Queen.
Zak: He is everyone's ride or die gay bestie. We're waiting for them to ride or die for him.
Jasmine: We remain uncertain of Jasmine's actual connection to this group. She's a real estate agent (maybe?) and a former Bachelor contestant.
Jax: Former hot person, the garbage inside of him is growing and trying to escape its shell, which explains his exceptionally bloated appearance.
Brittney: Blindly married Jax despite literal, actual signs warning her against it. Victim of his ongoing abuse.
Jesse: Adorable, but probably completely evil. In a divorce battle with Michelle.
Michelle: Getting divorced from Jesse. Probably cheated on him, but he's awful, so who cares. Has an exceptionally flat affect.
Janet: Wife of Jason. Biege. Smug. Abuser apologist.
Jason: Stepford Husband of Janet. Bootlicker who defends corporations against workmen's comp lawsuits.
Danny: Voice actor. Creep. Not good enough for Nia.
Nia: Wife and babysitter of Danny and former Miss USA.
Beneath all of their beautifully 'toxed exteriors lie poor coping mechanisms, varying degrees of substance abuse, and an inability to handle anything with grace as they navigate adulthood in the suburbs of LA.
This season, we saw two divorces, an accusation of hookery, alleged closet tequila chugging, fertility struggles, an engagement, ass-grabbing, probably-fake rehab, Sheana Shay haunting the periphery, a scro-tox scene that pretty sure producers thought wasn't going to fall as flat as it did, and Kristen Doute screaming on a boat. It was a feast of drama, a heaping pile of exquisite trash, if you will. And we can't wait to watch everyone rehash it.
Andy Cohen steps up to the podium, his never-ending handful of notecards serving as his baton as he conducts a symphony of accusations, reneging and doubling down.
Things kick off hot as Brittney tells the class that Jax is trying to wait out their divorce as long as possible so he can get alimony from her. After a terse exchange, Brittney says to Kristen, "I'm already shaking." And Jax mutters INTO HIS MIC, "You should be." Oooooookay.
Jax looks sincerely confused when Andy asks him if he uses birth control. Our theory is that Jax is patient zero for an especially sinister new venereal disease, and he's spreading it across LA like butter and toast.
Brittney almost gets a sick burn in when she tells Jax she wouldn't touch his dirty with a 10-inch pole. She almost stuck the landing, but girl, it's a 10-foot pole.
Brittney speaks about the coffee table incident of legend, during which, in a blind rage, Jax threw a coffee table and it hit her. As much as Brit and her Southern aww-shucks grates, it's chilling to hear her Kentucky lilt detail the abuse she suffered from her soon-to-be ex-husband.
Andy addresses Jax’s time at a mental health treatment facility. Or was it rehab? Or was it an airplane hangar in Burbank? He oscillates between calling it "the facility," "beautiful rehab," and the "mental health facility." Whatever it was, everyone pretends Jax has been sober for 100-odd days.
Attention turns to divorcing couple #2, Jesse and Michelle. It's revealed that Jesse is representing himself in the dissolution of his marriage, in which a fuck load of money was made and spent. Oh, to be so confident. Michelle, who has struggled to get her sea legs all season, finally succeeds in effectively communicating what a fucking asshole Jesse is.
Jesse deftly contorts around her accusations, never breaking a sweat. Michelle even posits that he cries on cue to solicit sympathy. He probably can, and she's not wrong, but goddamnit, he's charming.
During a break to repowder noses, Jax lobs at Janet and Jason that they live on Reddit, which is positively bursting with vitriol for their self-righteousness.
While Danny is explaining that he thought filming had wrapped, even though he was mic'ed up, when he told Luke about the rumor that Michelle was banging a billionaire for $1,500 a night, Janet leans over, and says to her Stepford Husband, "He knows how mics work, he's an actor!" It's at this moment that we know these two are going to be absolutely insufferable when it's finally their turn to talk about "Darkside Danny." We are hoping, praying, giving offerings to the Bravo gods that Andy points out the utter hypocrisy in their campaign to take Danny down* while patting Jax on the back for his “recovery.”
Other thoughts:
Jax's ankles.
Jax leaked Janet's birth?!
Pregnancy suits Kristen.
Will Danny and Nia hold hands the entire time?
Brittney's breast implants are so gigantic that they look like they hurt.
Will Nia lose her shit at Janet? We hope so.
Janet has a gift for looking smug just sitting on a couch saying nothing.
Why is Zak seated on the end?!
We forgot Luke was there.
*The official position of Vulgar Advice is that yes, when Danny grabbed Jasmine's butt, it was sexual assault. Very fucking uncool. What is also very fucking uncool is Janet and Stepford Husband continuing to support Jax after he committed domestic violence, repeatedly, against his wife with his autistic child in their home. Fucking hypocrites, right?
Janet sucksssss