How to Build Self-Esteem If You Don't Fucking Have Any
Do you like yourself? You should like yourself. If you have chronic low esteem and hate your own company, it’s probably the fault of the adults who raised you relentlessly criticizing you, not recognizing your attributes, or constantly moving the target of their affection. Fuck them. But it’s your problem now. Instead of being a little bitch to the demons of your childhood, let’s build some goddamn self-esteem.
But first, what the fuck even is self-esteem? Self-esteem refers to the relationship you have with yourself. Healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean you are a high achiever, super or successful It means you’re a rock-solid mother fucker who treats yourself well and doesn’t live on a roller coaster of other people’s approval or external events.
You’re not going to feel good about yourself all of the time. And you shouldn’t. That would be fucking psychotic. Healthy self-esteem means that you accept those times you don’t feel good about yourself and objectively assess your own behavior, shitty or otherwise, without falling into an existential k-hole.
Why Does It Even Matter?
As Mark Manson writes, there is evidence that self-esteem has no bearing on your ability to achieve; but rather, your ability to achieve begets self-esteem. So why does it even matter? Besides leaving a gaping opening for depression, anxiety, poor relationships, and lack of boundaries and control, it matters because feeling like shit about yourself all the time fucking sucks. You are all you got. You might as well like you, at least a little bit.
Self-Esteem Daddy
The first known reference to our relationship with ourselves as “self-esteem” was made by philosopher, psychologist, and historical hottie William James in his 1890 smash hit, “The Principles of Modern Psychology.”
On top of being a mult-hyphen snack, James was interested in the relationship between the mind and the self, objective reference, and the nature of truth. In “Principles,” he defined self-esteem as a ratio of success to pretensions, proposing that self-esteem can be built by decreasing aspiration and increasing success.
That’s right, baby. There is a formula to building self-esteem, and we fully endorse it.
If your self-esteem is genuinely dog shit, break down your aspirations. Set small goals that are achievable right now and fucking acknowledge when you reach them with a wee little celebration. Write yourself a note. Buy yourself a small gift. Treat yourself to coffee, dinner — whatever the fuck it is, just do it.
“But… what if I don’t have any aspirations?”
If you don’t have any goals, rig the damn system. Trick yourself. Fucking pick something, anything — ideally, something you think you’ll really enjoy. Now get really fucking good at it. Singing. Running. Cooking. Juggling. A language. Chess. Makeup. Photography. Music. Sewing. Bike Riding. Dancing. Chopping wood. Sand castle building. Braiding hair. Wood carving. Archery. Painting. Tree climbing. Hole digging. Anything. Knitting. Card trick. Lock picking. Rolling a coin across your knuckles. Calligraphy. Gardening. Baking bread. Dog training. Ball kicking. Hole digging. Whatever the fuck it is, pick something to practice until you are excellent at it. You won’t be at first, but you will be with practice. Measure your successes with a journal or an app and fucking celebrate it.
Next week, we’ll take you on a riveting journey through the self-help classic, “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem,” by Nathaniel Branden.